I have been sitting on this email for over 4 weeks now. Every part of me is resisting speaking my truth for fear of judgment and exposing my true self to the world (because after all I am writing this on my blog).
Why am I telling you this?
Because I believe truth is the core of all our desires. The desire to be heard, understood and supported in a nonjudgmental way.
I am also speaking my truth because I honour and respect all of my clients (past, present and future) who speak their truth with me on a daily basis, and who take the leap by becoming extremely vulnerable, exposing their own truths and desires.
Today (because there is no better time than the present) I want to share with you a VERY personal letter I wrote to my son, Logan (my first child, the one who gifted me motherhood).
In this letter I also expose the real reason I teach meditation to children and transform families.
A letter to my oldest son (the one who gifted me motherhood).
It has taken me a very long time to write this letter, I think because I was scared to admit to myself many truths. Becoming a parent and the BIG lesson you have taught me has changed the way I think and feel about myself.
It seems like yesterday; the day I found out I was going to be a mother. I was scared beyond belief. A lighting bolt of fear rushed through my body and I asked myself, “Will I be able to do this? Am I ready to be someone’s mother?”
I was a shell of a girl. I barely had a pulse or a sense of my ‘real’ identity. Little did I know that at the time I was the vessel of your existence and purpose in this world. It was my time to rise; it was my time to step up to the plate and become fully engaged in my own being. It was my time to be a mother.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on you. I instantly felt this rush of breath go through my entire body. It was in that instant that my personal beliefs began to change.
My purpose was exposed: To break a cycle, rise above, and defeat judgment. To speak my truth to the world and to help others speak theirs.
There came a time when my fear got the best of me (and some days it still does). My monkey mind was out of control. I was frantic to find a solution to ‘fix’ you, to ease your pain, to calm your mind. That is when I found silence. That is when I found my breath. That is when I realized there was no fixing that needed to be done. Your pain was my pain, your frantic mind was my frantic mind. You were mirroring my internal struggles.
Your presence in my life was a catalyst for me to find my own breath, especially in those moments of chaos. At the time, I was not consciously aware of the lessons you were teaching me about myself as I was so desperately searching for answers. Little did I know that you would become one of my best teachers.
It was in those moments that I realized you could not become anything I was not. So I made a conscious choice to become everything I wish for you in this lifetime, learning and growing along side of you, and doing my best to stay curious along the way.
And then something happened that shook me to my core. Your biological father died and something shifted in his passing. My paralyzing fear softened. My breath became stronger and more focused in order to cope.
You met him briefly when you were a baby, and I witnessed a connection that was so much more than a physical existence. There was a priceless understanding of gratitude for the life you gave him as well, an unspoken mutual understanding that I will never comprehend.
Before he passed I was paralyzed with fear that you would become a replica of his mental illness, his addictions, and internal suffering. Then I came to understand the power of truth, understanding, perseverance, acceptance, and… letting go.
It was at that point I realized you were never going to become a statistic, his life would never become a statistic, and together we would rise above and defeat all odds of societal expectations of who we will all become. You are more than your DNA, you have a conscious choice to make a stand and be the change. This I know for certain.
My deepest wish for you, Logan, is that you grow up knowing how loved you are in this world. Every breath you take is a miracle and a new beginning to try something new, to expand and grow. It is also my deepest wish that you know it is because of you, and your soul’s purpose, that I am working on becoming everything I wish for you and your future. Don’t ever question your existence, trust the flow and, when you find it difficult, find your breath. It is there you will be returned to your greatness.
P.S. This was the hardest letter I have ever had to write, which is why I knew I had to write it. Thank you again for a beautiful lesson in self-love and perseverance.